I will never forget the time, when I was 18 years old and working as a bartender, that an old drunken dirtball scoffed at me as I handed him his millionth whiskey on the rocks. “Ugh, you bite your nails. Disgusting. There’s nothing sexier than long nails on a woman.” For the record, I didn’t bite my nails; I picked them. It was a habit I’d had for as long as I could remember and one I’d never really thought much about. Now, while I didn’t lose sleep over this geezer with imminent liver failure bashing my stubby nails, I did sort of agree with him.
My mom always had long nails and I used to be so fascinated by them. She’d retrieve her polish collection from the refrigerator (a collection which consisted of approximately 84 difference variations of the color maroon or burgundy) and I’d hypnotically watch on as she coated each nail with the speed and efficiency that only a woman with years of nail-painting-experience could have. Her ability to paint her nails with her non-dominant hand was a talent that I prayed I could someday learn, too. And the best part about my mom’s long nails? She gave the best back scratches, especially when her hands were slightly cold from hauling in groceries on a chilly fall night as I lay tucked in bed already. I suppose I always associated long fingernails with strength and femininity, because I associated them with my mom.
The only time I ever seemed to be able to have long nails, though, was when I would shell out $30 for acrylics. I’d feel sexy and womanly and like I really had my shit together, because nothing says “I have a good life” better than a perfect French manicure, right? The upkeep (both time and monetary) to have fake nails, though, always got to be a nuisance and honestly, I’d get a little burnt out on paying someone to talk shit about me in Vietnamese. I’d eventually rip the damn things off, usually over the course of about a week because I couldn’t stand the pain of doing it all in one sitting. My nails would end up being brittle and pathetic-looking and I’d be back to square one.
Now, as a woman who has been in diamond-less relationship for 4 1/2 years, I most definitely pay attention to every single engagement post that hits my Facebook newsfeed. And by pay attention, I mean I type “congratulations!” and then sit and seethe, analyzing how long you two have been together compared to how long I’ve been in my relationship, checking out the ring you got compared to what I hope my ring will one day look like, and then I check out… yep, your nails. Earlier this summer, I started growing my nails out, in hopes that at the same time my wonderful, handsome, loving boyfriend is growing the balls to commit the rest of his life to me. This way, when I do someday get engaged, I won’t have to go hit up a nail salon before taking the obligatory ring picture to share with the social media world.
I’ve found that keeping them nicely polished helped me to stop picking at them. And the neater the polish design was, the less I wanted to pick at them and fuck them up. Now, you’ll notice in my pictures that I do have a few short nails, but it’s due to breaking them at work. Unlike when you break a fake nail, breaking a real nail requires nothing but time and patience to fix. The latest fun polish technique that I’ve tried out, and the one that inspired the name of this post, involves saran wrap.
Those are the three polishes that I used. Sally Hansen’s Advanced Hard as Nails (which definitely works, by the way!), L.A. Colors Color Craze in Seafoam (from Wet Seal!), and Chanel Nail Colour in Blue Satin (a gift from my man last summer!).
Step One: Paint a clear base coat on your nail and then let them dry completely.
Step Two: Paint your nails in whichever color you are choosing to be the “underneath” color. I chose Seafoam. Allow this to dry completely.
Step Three: Paint your “top” color over the entire nail. I chose Blue Satin for this part.
Step Four: Immediately blot the nail with a small, wadded up piece of saran wrap.
Step Five: Once you’ve done this to all of your nails and they’ve dried, apply a clear top coat. Painting the edge and underside of your nail with the clear polish, if your nails are longer, will also help to keep the polish from chipping.
After they were all done, I dipped a Q-tip into polish remover and cleaned up around the edges. I’d like to add a few other tips to take into consideration while doing this! My left hand turned out great but my right hand, not so much. Here’s a pic. If you look closely, you can see that there are patches where the polish is totally missing.
The reason isn’t because I’m right handed, as I’ve gotten ridiculously good at painting with my non-dominant hand (whooo! life goal, accomplished!). It’s because I was impatient and used a larger ball of saran wrap so I didn’t have to make a new piece for every single nail.
It really does make a huge difference in how well this turns out!
I’m looking forward to experimenting with different color combinations and of course, someday, debuting a fat ass diamond along with my fab manicure (but hey, all in good time)! If anyone gives this a try, I’d love to hear how it worked out for you! As always, thanks for reading and feel free to leave some lovin’ in the comment section!
Oh, and you’ll notice that there’s no mention of alcohol in this post… That’s because I’m currently fighting one hell of a bug and the only thing I’ve been drinking is Robitussin on the rocks. Can’t be awesome all the time, I suppose! Next time!